My Insecurities

Sometime I just get them feels. Those feels that make me so sad I wish I was still small enough to crawl under my table. Or fit into one of those music lockers that Ronnie used to squish into. It’s like my heart is really heavy and I want to be alone. Like my stomach is all scrunchy like it wants to crawl away. It makes me feel like I want to eat. Just so that I have something to do to stop my eyes from watering. It’s not even like anything is particularly sad in my life. It’s just me. Just me sad. It’s not as bad these days. It was worse before. When I had stopped talking to all my friends and all I did was go to work, come home and sleep then go to uni, work, sleep. It was all I did. It made me feel so exhausted all the time. No matter what. I would fall asleep the second I sat down at home. But sleeping made me forget about how shitty the rest of my life was. I was so sick of how people treated me. But then I made new friends and it was okay and it’s getting better. But every so often I still have those days where I am home not necessarily alone but I feel it so much. But I want to feel it. It’s moments like these where I notice my worthlessness. I can’t seem to do anything right. Even the things I can’t change aren’t right. 

Lately I’ve gained weight. I’ve been gaining weight and it’s getting to the point that I’m noticing it. My boyfriend will put his arm around my waist and I can feel him touching the rolls of fat on my stomach. I sit down with a skirt on and my legs has dimples and cellulite and it’s one of the most horrifying things. Then I go home and I eat. I eat until I feel okay. Which sometimes doesn’t happen. So I eat until I fall asleep. I hate that I should be doing something about it. I should be fixing myself. But I don’t have the self-control to fix myself. I think it’s worse because I’m just too used to being super skinny. I was a very chubby child but after year 4 I lost all that baby weight and I’ve been stick thin ever since no matter what I ate. I took advantage of that and now I’m paying for it. My clothes don’t fit anymore. My skirts pull at my stomach and I have to suck in. My shirts seem smaller and show more stomach. The fat that hangs over the top of my pants makes me sick to my stomach. I’ve never had this problem and I’m not dealing with it well. 

People ask why I don’t update this all the time. This is why. Because most of the time I just have negative thoughts. And people say don’t be stupid, you’re still skinny/pretty/whatever. But I don’t see it. I can’t see it. I don’t feel it. 

And that’s it. That’s how I feel lately. You’d think it’d get easier as you got older but now I’m just harder on myself. I plan on doing everything I can to lose weight. I can’t afford a new wardrobe so all I can do is lose weight. It’s made me feel so insecure as well. I’ve started noticing other people and their better parts and how much better they are than me. I’ve always been one to compare but I’ve never had any reason to doubt myself and lately that’s all I’ve been doing. I don’t deal with things well ugh 

 

#vent

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Since I finished my last exam on the 14th of November, there have been six and a half weeks. 48 days. Within these six and a half weeks (48 days) I’ve spent one week (7 days) on leavers, 2 (non-consecutive) weeks with gastro (12 days), 10 days at work, 6 days being just generally sick – over-heating in the hot Aussie sun, 7 days in collie and maybe one or two days seeing friends. This means I’ve had probably 4 days where I’ve done absolutely nothing at all however I’m fairly disappointed in my body over the large amounts of sick time I’ve had. I feel like I’m wasting so much time, so many events I’ve had to bail on and so many people I haven’t gotten to see all because I’ve been sick. As glad as I am that I didn’t get sick during exams (Even though I did have bronchitis and like stress colds, I certainly didn’t have gastro, thank god) I still feel like it sucks that I pretty much spent the last month of 2013 sick and unable to do anything. I’d finally think I’m all better and it’d come back to bite me. When I got sick at the Beaufort Street festival I was at the ambulance and they checked my blood sugar levels and everything and they thought I was diabetic. Now I know that I am not the healthiest person however for me, this was a massive wake up call. I was so scared for myself and my health. I from then on decided I had to start drinking water. I really just want to be better and if the only way to do so is be healthier then that’s what I’m going to do. I’m not going to let this be one of those New Years Resolutions that I make and never follow through on. This resolution has a past and a future, I’d prefer to live past 50 and at the rate I’m going apparently that is something to strive for. So I’m going to strive for it. I’ve given up trying to give up chocolate but I sure as hell can make sure all my meals in between are healthier and making sure I actually exercise regularly as opposed to my “whenever-there’s-no-one-home” regime I going at the moment. So my new years resolution is to live another year. I already have this feeling that this year will be a whole shit ton better and I can’t wait to get started. So here’s to getting over this ridiculous sickness and to moving on with things.