Do you ever have those days where you feel like the sky is falling. You can go from having a perfectly fine morning, to your emotions skydiving by the afternoon. Going for a quick parachute. As if the sky is falling and the stars are coming right at you. Or when you look up at a clear sky and it’s just blue for aeons like it never ends. It doesn’t even look real. Today we went to the park and he was saying words and I wasn’t hearing them. I was just staring into what was oblivion, there was no beginning or end. I suppose that’s the only way things can really last forever, when they don’t have a beginning or an end. When they’ve just existed for as long as you can remember. Which I guess I should’ve known, I feel like I should’ve seen it coming. But honestly. I had no idea, and that was probably what hit me the hardest. There were no signs, or if there were, I wasn’t seeing them. I just didn’t know what to do so I just stared into the perpetualness that was the blue of the sky. It still barely feels true, like sure it brings me to tears but it just hasn’t hit me as hard as it will. Probably when I’m completely alone in bed with nothing but the teddy that he bought me. It’ll hit me when there’s nothing I can do about it but mourn the loss of what could have been. It’s probably better that it happened now rather than later. I definitely would be a lot more upset but it has only been a couple of weeks, a month at most. I feel like one of my main emotions is disappointment. Which is what reassures me that I’ll be okay. Because if part of the reason that I’m upset is because I’m disappointed at the end, it means I can mend. In the words of Sara Bareilles “I’ll be alright, just not tonight, but someday.” I’ve been listening to that and Next To You by Chris Brown. The Chris Brown song has nothing to do with it, in fact, it should make me feel worse. But the idea that someone sung about always being there for you, even when the sky is falling is comforting. I had work, which kept me paying attention to other things. I’m glad I wasn’t at home. I don’t think I would’ve dealt well. But I had an alright time and I laughed. We laughed, which is a positive thing. It’s probably best that it’s now. And I’m going to keep trying to justify why I should just be happy with it but I know, deep down I’m not at all. I thought it was perfect. But I guess I don’t know perfect from a destructive fire. Plus, if this is what’s best for him then it’s best for me. Nothing ever works when it’s one-sided. Everything gets better. Everything. Gets. Better. One day I’ll actually believe it.
etakellis 