My Insecurities

Sometime I just get them feels. Those feels that make me so sad I wish I was still small enough to crawl under my table. Or fit into one of those music lockers that Ronnie used to squish into. It’s like my heart is really heavy and I want to be alone. Like my stomach is all scrunchy like it wants to crawl away. It makes me feel like I want to eat. Just so that I have something to do to stop my eyes from watering. It’s not even like anything is particularly sad in my life. It’s just me. Just me sad. It’s not as bad these days. It was worse before. When I had stopped talking to all my friends and all I did was go to work, come home and sleep then go to uni, work, sleep. It was all I did. It made me feel so exhausted all the time. No matter what. I would fall asleep the second I sat down at home. But sleeping made me forget about how shitty the rest of my life was. I was so sick of how people treated me. But then I made new friends and it was okay and it’s getting better. But every so often I still have those days where I am home not necessarily alone but I feel it so much. But I want to feel it. It’s moments like these where I notice my worthlessness. I can’t seem to do anything right. Even the things I can’t change aren’t right. 

Lately I’ve gained weight. I’ve been gaining weight and it’s getting to the point that I’m noticing it. My boyfriend will put his arm around my waist and I can feel him touching the rolls of fat on my stomach. I sit down with a skirt on and my legs has dimples and cellulite and it’s one of the most horrifying things. Then I go home and I eat. I eat until I feel okay. Which sometimes doesn’t happen. So I eat until I fall asleep. I hate that I should be doing something about it. I should be fixing myself. But I don’t have the self-control to fix myself. I think it’s worse because I’m just too used to being super skinny. I was a very chubby child but after year 4 I lost all that baby weight and I’ve been stick thin ever since no matter what I ate. I took advantage of that and now I’m paying for it. My clothes don’t fit anymore. My skirts pull at my stomach and I have to suck in. My shirts seem smaller and show more stomach. The fat that hangs over the top of my pants makes me sick to my stomach. I’ve never had this problem and I’m not dealing with it well. 

People ask why I don’t update this all the time. This is why. Because most of the time I just have negative thoughts. And people say don’t be stupid, you’re still skinny/pretty/whatever. But I don’t see it. I can’t see it. I don’t feel it. 

And that’s it. That’s how I feel lately. You’d think it’d get easier as you got older but now I’m just harder on myself. I plan on doing everything I can to lose weight. I can’t afford a new wardrobe so all I can do is lose weight. It’s made me feel so insecure as well. I’ve started noticing other people and their better parts and how much better they are than me. I’ve always been one to compare but I’ve never had any reason to doubt myself and lately that’s all I’ve been doing. I don’t deal with things well ugh 

 

#vent

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Easter Eggs & Beef Jerky

So it’s totally and insanely Easter time. I can’t believe it’s Easter already. We’re already like a quarter of the way through the year and I totally can’t handle this whole time thing. I’m not getting any wider but apparently I’m getting older. I’m expected to grow up but stay young according to my parents.

I’ve spent the last two days watching My Mad Fat Diary and I feel insanely like I’m starting to relate to the people on this show. I do however absolutely love everything that Chloe wears ever. Why don’t I have a wardrobe that could look so good. It’s ridiculous. And you know, why wouldn’t I look that good in the same outfits. Like, people need to comprehend how hard it would be to pull of a pink fluffy jacket with red hair and don’t forget that unicorn balloon

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But yeah I really just feel like I’m wasting so much time on shows and not important things like school work. Like I made up my study plan today for the next two months and I have all the papers and everything out but I just cannot force myself to focus on it.

Especially when I have MMFD and Puberty Blues to watch. I also get distracted by the massive amounts of chocolate that are just sitting on my bedroom table. I mean, how beautiful is this stash

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And I’ve already eaten more than a bag of caramel easter eggs. I’m quite excited by the haul but I already feel so awful today. I had a lovely breakfast then a bunny, then Grill’d for lunch with the family and chocolate after that. Oh and don’t forget the beef jerky.. never forget the beef jerky. It’s ridiculous, I just eat whenever I’m bored and it’s such a bad habit. But it’s been a good day for food. Easter is one of my favourite times of year.

But I’ve been so exhausted all day and then absolutely bored out of my brains. Attempting to do assignments and I haven’t spoken to anyone much apart from my family. It’s just been one of those days when I’m absolutely alone. But then I suppose it is Easter. And my boyf has uni stuff to do as well but hopefully he’s actually gotten his done.

I haven’t done anything other than go for lunch and drive people around today. As I was driving home after picking my sister up from work, we saw a firetruck drive down the road and Mum pointed out that it was returning because we’d seen it go up the road on the way to pick up my sister. My automatic reaction was “Maybe it’s run out of water”. It never ever occurred to me that firetrucks didn’t carry it’s water supplies around.. What if you go somewhere that doesn’t have water?

Apparently they get their water from a fire hydrant. This to me just sounds entirely wrong and I’m not coping too well with this discovery however I suppose it’s probably one of those common knowledge things I might need to know for a quiz night or if I ever make the split decision to become a firefighter..

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I could totally pull off those puffy pants… Or not. But you know, better keep my options open. Plus I’m all up for helping people out and what better to do that than extinguish their houses. One day I’ll sort all that out. But for now I suppose I better get on with those uni assignments huh..

Resolutions

Okay so, I’m going away to Collie for the next week and it’s over like New Years and whatnot and it’s not like this is a dedicated blog but I want to post my (so far) New Years Resolutions somewhere because I feel as though if they exist somewhere I’m more inclined to stick to it. This year is like completely new like I don’t know what to do with myself but hopefully it’s a good one. Anyway so far I’ve got zilch money and owe quite a bit to parents and whatnot. So at the moment I’m thinking:

1) I want to work more, proper hours

2) I want to go to uni and actually do well

3) I want to stop dressing to impress and just do whatever the fuck I want

I feel like now that high school’s over I can stop feeling like I need to justify my choices and I can like what I want, be who I want, none of that expectation bs. Now it’s time to do what I want and it’s up to me to make things happen.