Do you ever have those days where you feel like the sky is falling. You can go from having a perfectly fine morning, to your emotions skydiving by the afternoon. Going for a quick parachute. As if the sky is falling and the stars are coming right at you. Or when you look up at a clear sky and it’s just blue for aeons like it never ends. It doesn’t even look real. Today we went to the park and he was saying words and I wasn’t hearing them. I was just staring into what was oblivion, there was no beginning or end. I suppose that’s the only way things can really last forever, when they don’t have a beginning or an end. When they’ve just existed for as long as you can remember. Which I guess I should’ve known, I feel like I should’ve seen it coming. But honestly. I had no idea, and that was probably what hit me the hardest. There were no signs, or if there were, I wasn’t seeing them. I just didn’t know what to do so I just stared into the perpetualness that was the blue of the sky. It still barely feels true, like sure it brings me to tears but it just hasn’t hit me as hard as it will. Probably when I’m completely alone in bed with nothing but the teddy that he bought me. It’ll hit me when there’s nothing I can do about it but mourn the loss of what could have been. It’s probably better that it happened now rather than later. I definitely would be a lot more upset but it has only been a couple of weeks, a month at most. I feel like one of my main emotions is disappointment. Which is what reassures me that I’ll be okay. Because if part of the reason that I’m upset is because I’m disappointed at the end, it means I can mend. In the words of Sara Bareilles “I’ll be alright, just not tonight, but someday.” I’ve been listening to that and Next To You by Chris Brown. The Chris Brown song has nothing to do with it, in fact, it should make me feel worse. But the idea that someone sung about always being there for you, even when the sky is falling is comforting. I had work, which kept me paying attention to other things. I’m glad I wasn’t at home. I don’t think I would’ve dealt well. But I had an alright time and I laughed. We laughed, which is a positive thing. It’s probably best that it’s now. And I’m going to keep trying to justify why I should just be happy with it but I know, deep down I’m not at all. I thought it was perfect. But I guess I don’t know perfect from a destructive fire. Plus, if this is what’s best for him then it’s best for me. Nothing ever works when it’s one-sided. Everything gets better. Everything. Gets. Better. One day I’ll actually believe it.
So it’s totally and insanely Easter time. I can’t believe it’s Easter already. We’re already like a quarter of the way through the year and I totally can’t handle this whole time thing. I’m not getting any wider but apparently I’m getting older. I’m expected to grow up but stay young according to my parents.
I’ve spent the last two days watching My Mad Fat Diary and I feel insanely like I’m starting to relate to the people on this show. I do however absolutely love everything that Chloe wears ever. Why don’t I have a wardrobe that could look so good. It’s ridiculous. And you know, why wouldn’t I look that good in the same outfits. Like, people need to comprehend how hard it would be to pull of a pink fluffy jacket with red hair and don’t forget that unicorn balloon
But yeah I really just feel like I’m wasting so much time on shows and not important things like school work. Like I made up my study plan today for the next two months and I have all the papers and everything out but I just cannot force myself to focus on it.
Especially when I have MMFD and Puberty Blues to watch. I also get distracted by the massive amounts of chocolate that are just sitting on my bedroom table. I mean, how beautiful is this stash
And I’ve already eaten more than a bag of caramel easter eggs. I’m quite excited by the haul but I already feel so awful today. I had a lovely breakfast then a bunny, then Grill’d for lunch with the family and chocolate after that. Oh and don’t forget the beef jerky.. never forget the beef jerky. It’s ridiculous, I just eat whenever I’m bored and it’s such a bad habit. But it’s been a good day for food. Easter is one of my favourite times of year.
But I’ve been so exhausted all day and then absolutely bored out of my brains. Attempting to do assignments and I haven’t spoken to anyone much apart from my family. It’s just been one of those days when I’m absolutely alone. But then I suppose it is Easter. And my boyf has uni stuff to do as well but hopefully he’s actually gotten his done.
I haven’t done anything other than go for lunch and drive people around today. As I was driving home after picking my sister up from work, we saw a firetruck drive down the road and Mum pointed out that it was returning because we’d seen it go up the road on the way to pick up my sister. My automatic reaction was “Maybe it’s run out of water”. It never ever occurred to me that firetrucks didn’t carry it’s water supplies around.. What if you go somewhere that doesn’t have water?
Apparently they get their water from a fire hydrant. This to me just sounds entirely wrong and I’m not coping too well with this discovery however I suppose it’s probably one of those common knowledge things I might need to know for a quiz night or if I ever make the split decision to become a firefighter..
I could totally pull off those puffy pants… Or not. But you know, better keep my options open. Plus I’m all up for helping people out and what better to do that than extinguish their houses. One day I’ll sort all that out. But for now I suppose I better get on with those uni assignments huh..
I don’t think you realise what you regret until something happens – something comes along and makes you realise what has happened. I’m sitting here, absolutely wanting to be out of my mind right now. I can’t sit still and I can’t concentrate. I have an essay due tomorrow but I can’t do it. Not right now. It’s so much to think about. I’ve never seen an ambulance up close until tonight. That was something I could have lived without for a while longer. Hearing their doors open in the driveway. The seemingly normal living room, knowing what’s coming. Like foreboding. Seinfeld on the TV as if it’s nothing more than any other Wednesday night. But we all knew what was coming, who was coming. As Mum got up to open the door we all stare straight at the TV but no one’s watching it, no one cares. They walked in, green uniforms, big briefcase type bags full of things that I’m sure are magically medical. Their badges like reassurance. That everything would be okay but the grimness hangs in the air and no one really knows what to do. He sits on the couch as if he’s normal, as if nothing’s wrong. I told him before, “you can tell me nothing’s wrong when you can explain to me why you lost ‘a couple’ of hours out of your day today”. He’s stubborn, he sticks to what he knows. But that’s not what he needs right now. We all know he’ll be angry about it later but right now, we all need to know. They question him and the second man in the green uniform turns to me as I sit away from everything that’s happening, in my corner, hiding from the situation behind my laptop. He gives me a thumbs up and noticing my grim expression, he tells me to cheer up. I’ll cheer up when things are back to normal. When the night is normal. When he’s yelling at me for being a disgruntled teenager and I’m yelling at him about being an old drunkard. That’s when I’ll cheer up. They told him it wasn’t normal. We all told him it wasn’t normal. He knew, he didn’t want to admit it but he knew. They took him, the uniforms took him in the green ambulance. They told us to come – not to rush, but to come. We watched as he buckled himself in, alone. He was all alone and I hate that we didn’t go with him. He hates hospitals. He’s terrified. He’d never admit it but I know he’s terrified. It’s the exact stubbornness I’d have. You can’t show fear, fear is weakness. Emotion is weakness. But he hates them and yet he went. We all know something’s not normal. But for now we have nothing to do but wait and it’s one of the hardest things I’ve ever had to do. But most of all I wish I’d hugged him before he got into the ambulance. Or told him it’d be okay, because even though it will, it would’ve meant a lot. I know it will. It has to be. He’s always the strong one but now we have to be strong. We have to wait.
So, I think I’ve found my calling. After spending the past three days holed up in my room writing essays and watching Cake Boss, I have decided that once again, my life calling is to be a cake decorator. There is something about making something beautiful for another person, that they can be as proud of as I am that makes it the ultimately appealing occupation. That, and the fact that you get to eat all of the delicious food you make. There’s something appealing about the fondant and butter cream that really pulls me in. Making edible, realistic looking objects and making people feel ultimately good about an occasion is just such a pleasing thing. And I mean, who wouldn’t want to be a part of something so beautiful.
(I apologise for the shoddy-quality image, I do have the DVD however it has become apparent to me that you cannot screenshot a DVD on a mac and therefore I had to use YouTube)
But seriously, look at that beautiful botanically-correct cake. Every single one of those flowers was made by hand and painted to be perfect. You can see the effort that went into the cake and the small details, just ugh. This is food porn at its finest people.
I understand of course that I’d have to start at the bottom, possibly at one of those teeny weeny cupcake stalls that have appeared in many shopping centres as of late.. But eventually, I’d get there. Ultimate goal – of course – to work in Carlo’s Bakery in Hoboken. (This of course is a good joke as I’ve never even considered leaving Perth, but if they were to bring one here, I’d totally go for it) But I could totally stick it out, I could be brilliant.. If only I could use a piping bag.