Time to Work

If this weekend has made me realise one thing, it’s that people don’t give two shits. And the ones that do, the very few, are minimal and can’t be there all the time. I had multiple friends away all weekend who made no attempt to contact me regardless of the fact that they knew how down I was. Actually, scratch that, made no attempt to contact me EXCEPT to tell me how much of a brill fucking time they were having or after I messaged them to make sure they were alright with no real response. No, how are you? Oh I have worked in retail 5 years and never had anyone make me as upset as they did today. You know, the usual. So you know what, people can go to hell. My solution is merely that, they are not worth it, if they don’t think I’m worth it. So I’m gonna stick my head into study until I can get myself the fuck away from here. Honestly, you’d think you wouldn’t have to try this hard for people that call themselves your best friends. But I guess it all comes out in the end. So I hope they bloody enjoyed their weekend and I hope it was fucking worth it. I no longer need anything but money to buy me a ticket away from here.

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Missing Out

Because after a completely shit night of arguing and general shit family situations, the best thing for me is to have my best friend come to my house to pick up her GTM tickets (which I’m not going to) fully fucked from the night before where she went out partying and hasn’t slept, been out all night with friends.When your best friend hates people and hates going out and clubbing and yet comes to tell you the next morning that she had the best night out without you.. really not the greatest feeling. Like, I really thought I was gonna be okay this weekend, that I’d do some uni work and feel accomplished but so far, so shit. When all your friends are heading down to Bunbury and all you have planned is to go to the movies tonight. With two full days of work ahead I just wish I could forget everything. Sometimes I think life would be so much easier if I just didn’t care. These are the reasons I want to work a lot and keep myself busy so I don’t have to pay attention to how much people just couldn’t give two shits if I was around. I’m always the organiser because otherwise I wouldn’t get invited everywhere. I try my hardest to make everything enjoyable for every person and all I get is a shove in the face. Life is just way too disappointing sometimes. When you work so hard and all you get is sickness and loneliness. She makes fun of the fear of missing out but it’s so real. It’s not a fear it’s actually happening. I am missing out on so many things because I’m busy working and need money. One day it’ll add up to something. I don’t need people, I need New York. I need adventure and I will have that and all this missing out will be worth it.

28 Days – Wonderland Warehouse Project

49 Days – What So Not

57 Days – Europe

259 – New York

Those Days

Do you ever just have those days, where something really crappy happens and you really want to talk it over with someone but you can’t talk to the person who is making it crappy, your other friends are busy or non-existant and you can’t tell your family because they’ll take it all too seriously and never forgive any person who makes their precious child put on a sad face. Because I am having one of those days. For a good six months now I’ve been wanting to return to my blog but of course nothing good ever happens in my life worth sharing and when bad things happen, I’m too lazy or have no access to the interwebs. But today I’m making the move. I’m putting all my stupid words into a stupid blog post that I’ll probably read back later and think I’m the biggest drama queen ever.

I’ve been doing well lately though. I had my stable boyfriend, my slightly crazy best friend, my other friends to catch up with and I’ve grown my nails. After at least ten years of biting my nails I have finally stopped. My New Year’s Resolution reached after so many years of trying. And yet not everything was making me quite happy. Until it reached a point where – I’m not going to lie – I cracked a little bit. And it sucked, sucks. But today was the worst. Do you ever just meet someone or something happens that makes you feel special, like you’re one of a kind and been picked from a crowd. You, not anybody else. And then later you find out that you weren’t the only one, there was another, or others. It’s really not a great feeling, let me tell you. Now I, being a girl of many experiences in such an area, you’d think I’d learn but every time you just want to believe it’s true. And it’s crazy. I honestly wish that my brain didn’t fall for such things. Alas, everytime, it is how it ends.

Everytime though as well, I get through it. So here I am, bathing in my blue and gold water thinking about all the times I’ve stupidly believed that I could possibly be special this one time. Now I’m sounding like quite the bitter old woman, scalded by love too many times. Of course I’m not. A hopeless romantic for life and I know all too well that in no time at all I will be patched up and mended, with nothing but a little memory of the moment in the back of my head. I think I’m probably in need of some new methods of dealing. I paint my nails and buy myself new clothes. As if, if I look my best then everyone will love me and everything will be okay. I don’t know what it is. But my head is quite crazy. My obsession with online shopping, as if there’s always just one more thing that will make me more popular or my parents more proud of me.

My rant however is entirely off course at the moment, it’s quite the terrible little rant, I don’t know where I’ve gone off to, but I had to get it off my chest for now. Into the interwebs you go my little post. Into the big, bad world of wordpress.

My Insecurities

Sometime I just get them feels. Those feels that make me so sad I wish I was still small enough to crawl under my table. Or fit into one of those music lockers that Ronnie used to squish into. It’s like my heart is really heavy and I want to be alone. Like my stomach is all scrunchy like it wants to crawl away. It makes me feel like I want to eat. Just so that I have something to do to stop my eyes from watering. It’s not even like anything is particularly sad in my life. It’s just me. Just me sad. It’s not as bad these days. It was worse before. When I had stopped talking to all my friends and all I did was go to work, come home and sleep then go to uni, work, sleep. It was all I did. It made me feel so exhausted all the time. No matter what. I would fall asleep the second I sat down at home. But sleeping made me forget about how shitty the rest of my life was. I was so sick of how people treated me. But then I made new friends and it was okay and it’s getting better. But every so often I still have those days where I am home not necessarily alone but I feel it so much. But I want to feel it. It’s moments like these where I notice my worthlessness. I can’t seem to do anything right. Even the things I can’t change aren’t right. 

Lately I’ve gained weight. I’ve been gaining weight and it’s getting to the point that I’m noticing it. My boyfriend will put his arm around my waist and I can feel him touching the rolls of fat on my stomach. I sit down with a skirt on and my legs has dimples and cellulite and it’s one of the most horrifying things. Then I go home and I eat. I eat until I feel okay. Which sometimes doesn’t happen. So I eat until I fall asleep. I hate that I should be doing something about it. I should be fixing myself. But I don’t have the self-control to fix myself. I think it’s worse because I’m just too used to being super skinny. I was a very chubby child but after year 4 I lost all that baby weight and I’ve been stick thin ever since no matter what I ate. I took advantage of that and now I’m paying for it. My clothes don’t fit anymore. My skirts pull at my stomach and I have to suck in. My shirts seem smaller and show more stomach. The fat that hangs over the top of my pants makes me sick to my stomach. I’ve never had this problem and I’m not dealing with it well. 

People ask why I don’t update this all the time. This is why. Because most of the time I just have negative thoughts. And people say don’t be stupid, you’re still skinny/pretty/whatever. But I don’t see it. I can’t see it. I don’t feel it. 

And that’s it. That’s how I feel lately. You’d think it’d get easier as you got older but now I’m just harder on myself. I plan on doing everything I can to lose weight. I can’t afford a new wardrobe so all I can do is lose weight. It’s made me feel so insecure as well. I’ve started noticing other people and their better parts and how much better they are than me. I’ve always been one to compare but I’ve never had any reason to doubt myself and lately that’s all I’ve been doing. I don’t deal with things well ugh 

 

#vent

Day Three

Your Favourite Series

So as of right now, my favourite series is hard to pick. However I have managed to narrow it down to two. These two consist of:

– The Percy Jackson Series

– The Georgia Nicolson Series

These two series’ have been read and reread by me so many times. I love the writing, the relatability and the general goodness behind the books. Percy Jackson I loved because I love mythology particularly greek mythology. It is honestly one of my favourite things. When I was in primary school I made my mum buy me books about it. I loved them so much I don’t quite know why. Honestly just my favourite stuff aha and it is so interesting. I love the stories and everything ugh just – everything.
The Georgia Nicolson Series taught me how to overthink life. As a whole, it was a great series, I read this one also in primary school and it was absolutely fab. To this day I still refer to the snogging scale and all the lush tips that came from the failures of Georgia Nicolson’s fab life. From learning to snog to fake eyelashes to sex gods, she had the teenage life I’d always dreamt of. Given, I never achieved this, however, a girl can dream 😉

Day Two

So, Day Two. I apologise for skipping yesterday but I was very busy and also went to the 5 Seconds of Summer concert straight after work so like, that’s a thing that took up a lot of time. So, a book that you’ve read more than three times.. let us think.. I tend to try not to read books multiple times however I have most definitely reread The Hunger Games at least three times. This book is one that I find that I read, loved. Left on the bookshelf for ages. Then I decided, that was a great book when I read it, I’m borerd, let’s try it again. Then one of the movies comes out and I decide, oh I better read it again. And so on and so on. This book never gets old. It is impeccably written that I do not ever want to put it down. I’m hanging off every word and the characters are built in such a way that I just want to be there with them.. minus the death of course. I love the way the action is written into the story and the plotline is quite different from any other that came before it. It started a fad, although I never really got into this phase that everyone else seemed to go through. So yeah, I’ve read this book multiple times and I continue to enjoy it just as much, if not more every time I read it. 

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Day One

Best Book You Read Last Year

Okay so, I don’t particularly remember which books I read last year. I read a lot of books like, A LOT. I know cause it was year twelve I did go through a period of time where I’d only really read during holidays and whatnot but even so it’s hard to pick the best book from last year..

Possibly Eve & Adam by Michael Grant and Katherine Applegate

 

This mainly due to the fact that:

a) who wouldn’t want to create the perfect boy and

b) it was a story I hadn’t heard before and even if I could kinda tell what was going to happen it was still an odd storyline and that doesn’t happen too often, particularly in the type of books I read. 

I liked that it was set current day, not some unprobable future that I tend to find comepletely unbelievable. Although it’s a short book, it had a fast pace which kept me reading and if I remember correctly I finished it within two or so days. I loved the genetics involved as well. I always did enjoy that most in human bio, the rest of course I never really understood. But it went into detail about the making of the person and it really expresses how there truly is no such thing as the perfect person, even when you get to pick and chose the way they are. 

I didn’t particularly like the character of Aislin, to be honest she felt stupid and unecessary however this could have just been because it was a short book and so there never was her own side story because it focused merely on the main plot points of Evening and Solo. 

So anyway, at this very moment, this is the book that appears to be my favourite from last year. This opinion of course, will most likely change within the next half hour. 

Happy reading!

BreakOverMe

Do you ever have those days where you feel like the sky is falling. You can go from having a perfectly fine morning, to your emotions skydiving by the afternoon. Going for a quick parachute. As if the sky is falling and the stars are coming right at you. Or when you look up at a clear sky and it’s just blue for aeons like it never ends. It doesn’t even look real. Today we went to the park and he was saying words and I wasn’t hearing them. I was just staring into what was oblivion, there was no beginning or end. I suppose that’s the only way things can really last forever, when they don’t have a beginning or an end. When they’ve just existed for as long as you can remember. Which I guess I should’ve known, I feel like I should’ve seen it coming. But honestly. I had no idea, and that was probably what hit me the hardest. There were no signs, or if there were, I wasn’t seeing them. I just didn’t know what to do so I just stared into the perpetualness that was the blue of the sky. It still barely feels true, like sure it brings me to tears but it just hasn’t hit me as hard as it will. Probably when I’m completely alone in bed with nothing but the teddy that he bought me. It’ll hit me when there’s nothing I can do about it but mourn the loss of what could have been. It’s probably better that it happened now rather than later. I definitely would be a lot more upset but it has only been a couple of weeks, a month at most. I feel like one of my main emotions is disappointment. Which is what reassures me that I’ll be okay. Because if part of the reason that I’m upset is because I’m disappointed at the end, it means I can mend. In the words of Sara Bareilles “I’ll be alright, just not tonight, but someday.” I’ve been listening to that and Next To You by Chris Brown. The Chris Brown song has nothing to do with it, in fact, it should make me feel worse. But the idea that someone sung about always being there for you, even when the sky is falling is comforting. I had work, which kept me paying attention to other things. I’m glad I wasn’t at home. I don’t think I would’ve dealt well. But I had an alright time and I laughed. We laughed, which is a positive thing. It’s probably best that it’s now. And I’m going to keep trying to justify why I should just be happy with it but I know, deep down I’m not at all. I thought it was perfect. But I guess I don’t know perfect from a destructive fire. Plus, if this is what’s best for him then it’s best for me. Nothing ever works when it’s one-sided. Everything gets better. Everything. Gets. Better. One day I’ll actually believe it. 

Easter Eggs & Beef Jerky

So it’s totally and insanely Easter time. I can’t believe it’s Easter already. We’re already like a quarter of the way through the year and I totally can’t handle this whole time thing. I’m not getting any wider but apparently I’m getting older. I’m expected to grow up but stay young according to my parents.

I’ve spent the last two days watching My Mad Fat Diary and I feel insanely like I’m starting to relate to the people on this show. I do however absolutely love everything that Chloe wears ever. Why don’t I have a wardrobe that could look so good. It’s ridiculous. And you know, why wouldn’t I look that good in the same outfits. Like, people need to comprehend how hard it would be to pull of a pink fluffy jacket with red hair and don’t forget that unicorn balloon

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But yeah I really just feel like I’m wasting so much time on shows and not important things like school work. Like I made up my study plan today for the next two months and I have all the papers and everything out but I just cannot force myself to focus on it.

Especially when I have MMFD and Puberty Blues to watch. I also get distracted by the massive amounts of chocolate that are just sitting on my bedroom table. I mean, how beautiful is this stash

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And I’ve already eaten more than a bag of caramel easter eggs. I’m quite excited by the haul but I already feel so awful today. I had a lovely breakfast then a bunny, then Grill’d for lunch with the family and chocolate after that. Oh and don’t forget the beef jerky.. never forget the beef jerky. It’s ridiculous, I just eat whenever I’m bored and it’s such a bad habit. But it’s been a good day for food. Easter is one of my favourite times of year.

But I’ve been so exhausted all day and then absolutely bored out of my brains. Attempting to do assignments and I haven’t spoken to anyone much apart from my family. It’s just been one of those days when I’m absolutely alone. But then I suppose it is Easter. And my boyf has uni stuff to do as well but hopefully he’s actually gotten his done.

I haven’t done anything other than go for lunch and drive people around today. As I was driving home after picking my sister up from work, we saw a firetruck drive down the road and Mum pointed out that it was returning because we’d seen it go up the road on the way to pick up my sister. My automatic reaction was “Maybe it’s run out of water”. It never ever occurred to me that firetrucks didn’t carry it’s water supplies around.. What if you go somewhere that doesn’t have water?

Apparently they get their water from a fire hydrant. This to me just sounds entirely wrong and I’m not coping too well with this discovery however I suppose it’s probably one of those common knowledge things I might need to know for a quiz night or if I ever make the split decision to become a firefighter..

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I could totally pull off those puffy pants… Or not. But you know, better keep my options open. Plus I’m all up for helping people out and what better to do that than extinguish their houses. One day I’ll sort all that out. But for now I suppose I better get on with those uni assignments huh..